I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
