There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
