That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
