...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
