Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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