you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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