11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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