My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
