Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
