she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
