when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
