So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
