Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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