FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its not stalking. its research.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
last night I used snow as a chaser
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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