just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
