you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pants are for mortals
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
