I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
