Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
