I accidentally had phone sex last night
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
