you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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