Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
