Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
