I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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