Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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