he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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