Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
