Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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