We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
