I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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