it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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