My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
