Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
