There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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