I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
