i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I am available for nakedness
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
