In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
