She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
