peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
