im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
