Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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