I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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