Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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