Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
