i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
