This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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