you would pick up someone in the library
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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