I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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