When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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