Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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