Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
