I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
