I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
