Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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