I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
